- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
- When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
- Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
- God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
- When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
- Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
- Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
- Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
- Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
- Chuck Norris invented water.
- Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
- One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
- When Chuck Noris jumps in a pool he dosen’t get wet water gets Chuck Noris.
- Chuck Noris round house kicked the leaning tower of piza
- Chuck Noris isn’t hung like a horse a horse is hung like him..
- The atom bomb isn’t real.. It’s just Chuck falling out a plane and punching the ground..
- What is the quickest way to mans heart?
Chuck Noris’s fist.
- Chuck Noris retards are just people that have been round house kicked in the face by Chuck Noris
- God wanted to create the world in 10 days… Chuck Norris gave him 6.
- Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
- It never rains when Chuck Noris is around, if it tried he would just roundhouse kick every single raindrop
- The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fuck out.
- Chuck Norris is the reason that God rested on the seventh day.
- There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven’t Met Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast, he eats rail road spikes.
- Someone once asked Chuck Norris “How much wood, could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” upon completing of the sentence Chuck Norris just smiled. Two seconds later Chuck resorected Bruce Lee and he proceeded to round house kick the person to death for taking the name of Chuck in vain.
- chuck norris enventd a time machine and went back to just before j.f.k. was shot, he jumped in front of the bullets and shattered them all with his beard. j.f.k. died out of pure amazement.
- Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
- Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
- Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
- If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
- When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
- Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
- When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
- When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.